Embracing myself and my reality

The everyday happenings of my life can be pretty unique compared to that of many other people. Having my CP and being different from others in many visible aspects has made me realize how unique the typical happenings of my life are. When these things that make me realize how different I am happen and it’s just me or my loved ones and I, I’ll take it in stride and even laugh it off. But I’ve noticed when I’m in public and these things happen in front of strangers, I react a lot differently- I get embarrassed and ashamed. I think these feelings have made me develop a tendency to think “This wouldn’t happen to others. If It’s going to happen to me, I’m just going to ignore it and pretend like it didn’t happen.” This is definitely one of the aspects of having my CP that I’ve struggled with the most. However, with having Symbiotic CP up and running now and sharing many parts of myself that I hadn’t before, I’ve been working on embracing the parts of myself and my reality that I haven’t yet. The way I reacted to these types of things that make me feel like I stand out and look so different yesterday made me realize that my efforts in embracing myself and my CP more are starting to show.

Yesterday was a gorgeous day, the first really nice day we’ve had so far. I had gone grocery shopping with my mom earlier in the day and after having been outside and feeling the sun on my face, I decided that I would go for a walk. It would be a nice way to enjoy the outdoors and get some exercise. In preparation for my walk, I put on a new pair of steel-toed tennis shoes. The laces were tied together in the flimsy knot you usually see them in on a new pair of shoes and normally I’d just tuck them into my shoes and hope for the best as a way to independently leave the house, but the shoes were really loose on my feet, so I knew I needed to ask someone to tie them for me in order for them to stay on my feet as I walked. I went and asked one of my younger brothers who cutely tied them in double knots for me. The shoes still felt a little loose, but I figured it’d be fine (really I didn’t want to ask my brother to retie them after he generously stopped what he was doing once already nor offend him by asking someone else to tie them), so I set off on my walk.

My goal was to walk for at least 90 minutes, so I mapped out a long route in my head and put my headphones on and got to it. I was about a mile in, jamming out to my workout playlist, laughing to myself about how the cashier at Costco had complimented me on how I unloaded the groceries onto the conveyor belt and “been so fast” when I went to get a replacement item, when I felt my right shoe become very loose. I looked down and saw that my shoe was untied. Now the extent of my shoe tying is spending 20 minutes on one shoe, just to have it come undone shortly after, so you can understand why I didn’t even waste time trying to kneel down and tie it. The timing of this was not great as I was ascending on a very large hill. As I trekked up the hill, the heel of my foot kept wanting to slide out of my shoe, making it even trickier to walk. Normally an untied shoe wouldn’t bug me at all. If anything, I’d see it as a challenge to overcome during my walk, but the fact that it had made it so that my shoe was so loose was concerning me. I was thinking about how this was going to put quite the damper on my walk and wondering if I should cut it short, when I saw a set of women walking. 

If you know me, you know that me asking for help is a rarity. I’m always so focused on doing things independently that I view asking for help as giving up and it disgruntles me to say the least. I’ve gotten better at asking for and receiving help from my loved ones, but it is definitely still a challenge for me. However, asking for help from strangers has always been and continues to be taboo for me. I don’t like bothering people, especially as someone who can make people uncomfortable with how I talk/walk, and I certainly don’t like feeling as though I’m not independent in front of people I happen to cross paths with out in public. That’s a whole other journal post, but the point is usually I would rather, and will, trip all the way home than ask a stranger for help. But, yesterday, I really wanted to continue on my walk rather than go home early and do it safely and without walking out of my shoe. So when the set of women passed me, I… didn’t ask for help. I couldn’t get passed my usual tendencies and you know what? I regretted it as I kept walking up the hill and my foot kept nearly slipping out. But, the women happened to turn around and come up behind me. When I saw them pass me, I opened my mouth and… still didn’t ask. “You don’t need help. You’re fine.” was what I thought to myself. Once again, I regretted that as a few steps later, my foot ca me all the way out of my shoe and I nearly tripped. I put my shoe on, kicking myself for being so stubborn. The women were still in my sight, a little ahead, rounding the corner. I was mad at myself for ruining my walk when the women looked back at me and before I knew what I was doing, I waved and got their attention. I was able to catch up with them and ask if one of them would be willing to tie my shoe. One of them politely did and after thanking them profusely, I continued my walk with two tied shoes and a pep in my step. 

I enjoyed my walk a lot more from that point on. I walked and walked, and a ways in I thought, “Hey I’ve been walking for a few miles and I haven’t fallen. I’m doing pretty good.” One day I’ll learn not to think these things until I make it home because just a couple minutes later, I came to a stop at a crosswalk. The intersection had a few cars and I waited until I saw that there was a set of cars who were waiting for me to cross. I waved in thanks and started fast-walking across the road. I was almost to the other side when, next thing I knew, I was on the asphalt. I had tripped and fell on my hands and knees, something that would’ve been breezed over in my mind had I not been in a crosswalk with people watching. I fall frequently so I’m used to it, but I’ve realized other people are not used to seeing pedestrians fall, so I knew the people that saw me fall were probably concerned. I hopped right up as I wanted to hurry and get out of the way so the cars could go. I made it to the sidewalk and kept walking, hoping that people would see I was okay. A couple of cars pulled over and the drivers rolled down their windows and got out to check on me. With a smile on my face, I assured them I was fine and thanked them for checking on me. As I walked away from the scene, I realized I wasn’t embarrassed like I typically get when I fall in front of people. Instead, I was okay that that had happened, giving myself grace instead of berating myself for falling in front of others, and was appreciative people had been kind enough to check on me, instead of being embarrassed and ashamed that I did something that caused people to check on me.

Later, I told my mom about my walk. When I told her I had asked a woman to tie my shoe, she was pleasantly surprised. “That’s awesome! What a huge thing for you to do! When’s the last time you did that?” It took me a while to think of an answer, but that was her point because she knew I typically don’t even think to ask strangers for help. As we talked more, I told her I was glad I asked for help and even proud of myself for it. I thought about that as well as the difference in my reaction and how I felt when I feel and I realized how significant those two things were for me. Sure it took me a few tries to ask for help and I’m pretty sure my cheeks were a little red after I fell, but I handled those situations differently than I usually would have and it felt so good. I’m going to be more mindful of my reactions to situations like these because I want to keep acting in a way that embraces who I am and the life I lead, because of and despite my disability.